Aussie media announces "National Pitch Doctoring" month

The usually unbiased Aussie cricket media has decided to foist a new meme on the cricket world at large. "We are announcing an initiative called National Pitch Doctoring month," said the leader Daniel Brettig, who is known in cricket circles as the most unbiased cricket journalist from Australia who writes on Cricinfo and has not played international cricket and who has a first name of Daniel and a last name of Brettig.

Daniel Brettig: Leader and organizer of the "National Pitch Doctoring month"

"The aim of this initiative is to discreetly insert words and sentences into opinion pieces masquerading as analysis. The sentences usually directly or indirectly hint that any pitch where the Aussies don't have a snowball's chance in hell, is declared as a doctored pitch. It is also very important that people be made to understand that such pitches are not natural but rather carefully manipulated for the sole intent of presenting the Australian cricket team in the worst light"

"Here is a before and after example from Ponting. 

While there can be no doubt that the conditions stymie the way Australia play, it is a matter of working with those circumstances rather than fighting them. 

After careful editorial review, the above line was changed as follows:

While there can be no doubt that the conditions are designed to stymie the way Australia play, it is a matter of working with those circumstances rather than fighting them. 

 Coming from a former great, such statements are automatically given credibility."

"While people may point out inconvenient things such as the fact that Aussies have won 0 and lost 8 out of the last 10 tests they have played in India, as well as had a record of 2-5 between 1996 and 2001, we can always use the lucky win in 2004 to talk about our record as if we were unquestionably the best side ever."

"In India, there is always too much spin. In the UAE, it is just not enough. Surely you would admit that if we were facing spinners who do not possess much guile and can spin the ball exactly between 15 and 30 degrees, we can easily dominate them. While the rest of the cricket world might laugh at this lack of skill, my job is to ensure that the Aussie cricket media manages to blame the pitch with a straight face"

"I would also like to call out the yeoman services of the cricketers themselves who clearly have no shame of being labelled unsporting by buying into this notion. Until we learn how to win on spinning wickets, I have instructed them to use the "pitch doctoring" card to delude themselves and sustain their unwarranted confidence in their own abilities. The National Pitch doctoring month is but a celebration of monumental Aussie jingoism"

Former cricket greats looking forward to rare Indo-SL treat

Many former India cricketers are looking forward to a rare ODI series between India and Sri Lanka.

With the India - West Indies series unfortunately cancelled, the BCCI decided to replace like for like and announced a one day international series between India and Sri Lanka. Given the rarity of the event, many former cricket greats took to different social media platforms to announce their eager anticipation of this rare event.

Sunil Gavaskar said he was really looking forward to the India Sri Lanka ODI series. "It is a great chance to see two sides who rarely play each other, particularly in the shorter formats of the game"

Sunil Gavaskar: "Rare event"

Kapil Dev said it will be good for both Indians and Sri Lankans to get some match practice before the World Cup 2015. "Great fast bowlers from both sides will test the techniques of batsman on pitches which are sure to have something in them for the pacers. What better way for the two finalists to prepare for the Australian challenge?"

Kapil Dev: "Great preparation"

Roger Binny chimed in too. "I am all for more ODIs being played. If enough games are played, and enough players go on the injured list, there is a greater chance for players in the second, third or maybe the sixth India XI to stake a claim for the medium pace all rounder's slot. A medium pace bowling all rounder would be vital to the team's prospects down under."

Roger Binny: "Pace bowling all-rounders crucial"

Even the usually low profile Bishen Singh Bedi added his thoughts. "There are no bonafide chuckers in the two teams. While that personally makes it less interesting to me, I still believe this is exactly what all Indian fans are clamoring for."

Bishen Singh Bedi: "Clamoring fans"

And last but not least, Laxman Sivaramakrishnan, in his typical booming, thundering voice added: "When you think about it, an India - Sri Lanka series easily matches even the Ashes in terms of richness, history, and legacy. It brings forth spectacular displays from players performing out of their skins to showcase their talent before the enthralled cricketing community which is ever eager to lap up all the excitement."

Sivaramakrishnan: "Matches Ashes legacy"

Ravindra Jadeja apologizes to Anderson

Jadeja is deeply sorry about #pushgate

JestCricket got hold of a super secret apology letter from Ravindra Jadeja to James Anderson. The letter is published unchanged:

"Dear Jimmy,

I am writing this in deep shame and profound regret. When I complained to the ICC about your sledging, I had not realized that your sledging was targeted at Kevin Pietersen the whole time. I always wondered why you never sledged me using my name, but now I understand. Once again, I am sorry to have reported you to the ICC. I even consulted Stuart Broad, Greame Swann and Matt Prior, and all of them vouched for what an upstanding guy you are.

In these difficult times of accusations and counter-accusations and the entire English cricket going to shit, know that you can count on your good friend Jaddu to back you to the hilt. Perhaps people like Ricky Ponting and Graeme Smith might have their own agendas for supporting KP, but you should know that I have no agenda in offering you my support in these difficult days.

Your best bud,
Sir Ravindra 'Jaddu' Jadeja

P.S. CSK are always on the lookout for fast bowling talent. Feel free to send me your resume when the ECB and the current English team gets disbanded. "

KP makes case for inclusion in the English team with autobiography

Kevin Pietersen has made a compelling case for inclusion in the English team with his recently released autobiography.

"The poetry society of England," he clarified. "It would be brilliant if I can make it to their team"

"I have worked extremely hard in my autobiography to showcase my language skills," he said. "It would be such a shame if I do not make it to an English team"

"Dour Flower. Ha ha. That one is an absolute classic. Dour. Flower. Get it? It rhymes." he proudly gushed.

In fact, he mentioned that his Flowery language has become such a sensation that publishers are lining up with all kinds of book ideas. "Fab Vocab", "Word", and "The KP guide to English" are in the works.

When asked what he thinks about playing for England again, he said he is at peace and ready to move on. "Well, I am on the cusp of fulfilling my lifelong ambition of becoming a modern day Shakespeare. The shitty sport of cricket can go and f*ck itself."

George Bailey asks for raging turners for Australian summer 2014-2015

The Aussie captain George Bailey is unhappy and is asking for raging turners to be prepared in Australia this summer 2015 so the Aussies can actually start winning on spinning pitches.

"If you can't lick 'em, you join 'em" was his new philosophy, he said. He said he wakes up in a cold sweat as he realizes that Australia might never win test matches in India unless they start taking some drastic steps. "We are now 0-8 in the last 10 tests we have played there. I ask, how can we turn this around?"

When asked if he might want to worry about holding his place as a test batsman first, he said "That is what I am talking about goddammit! Even on pacy Aussie wickets, I struggle to get into the XI. And then on top of that I am also supposed to prove myself on spinning tracks? What am I, an allround Test batsman?"

"You may call it home advantage. But I call it pitch doctoring. Because, as everyone knows, the default, pure state of a cricket pitch is to take either pace or swing, and have ample bounce. Everything else is an unnatural state, and pitches which take spin are a freak occurence of nature. And to compete, we have to make some modifications to the Aussie pitches also"

"The playing field is too level, pun intended. I say doctor it some, make it more uneven, and let the spinners have a field day. In a few years, the Aussies might get so adept at playing spin they might even win a few tests in India batting second, which they last did when I was a teen"

When he was asked if Australia is going to risk doing badly at the World Cup by preparing turners in their backyard this summer, he accepted that it was a good point. "Thankfully, no one really takes me seriously in my own team. All I do is warm the bench for Pup, and people are usually too confused about exactly what my role is as a leader, including me. So there is exactly zero chance Cricket Australia will take me seriously"

Cook reveals 5 step plan to improve the chances of England's ODI team

Alastair Cook, the basket in which the England Cricket Board has put all its eggs, has apparently been a little miffed. "My so-called friends are doing treacherous things like speaking the truth," he said, referring to comments made by Swann and Vaughan that England had no chances of winning the World Cup with Cook at the helm.

In the spirit of eXtreme PLanning (XPL), the motto the English team developed under Andy Flower, Cook disclosed a failed 5 step process for improving England's chances at the World Cup 2015. "It is not that I am not trying"

1. "I applied to play for the IPL in 2014. I even set a reserve price of $0.00. I was told that it would still be a negative ROI for the franchises

2. I tried to trick the opposition bowlers by wearing a Kevin Pietersen shirt, and practicing the KP strut as I walked out. Somehow, I slipped and fell over. I even batted right handed to keep the trick going. Maybe I was disoriented from falling over, but it just didn't work like I had planned.

3. Just after the bowler released the ball, and before I played it, I would ask myself "How can I play this delivery in such a way that I can get the maximum runs with a classical English shot which still is respectful of the game as well as the traditions of English cricket?" Sometimes, my wicket would be knocked over before I could come up with a good answer

4. I tried playing with a much lighter bat, thinking that it would free my mind and let me give it a real swing at the ball. The cognitive dissonance was a bit too much for my mind, and instead I ended up blocking the ball forcefully into the ground, but the ball rolled back and hit my stumps.

5. To increase my team's confidence in me and themselves, I sent a memo out to the groundsmen before the India series asking for pacy tracks which took no spin. But in all the confusion, I switched the words in the memo and ended up sending one which asked for spinning tracks which took no pace and ended up losing the one day series

6. As a bonus, I have even petitioned Cricket Australia to prepare wickets which take a lot of swing but not too much pace and bounce for the World Cup (I still have nightmares about Mitchell J). They replied that that was as likely to happen as Alastair Cook scoring a ODI double century. That raised my hopes, so let us see how it goes"

Dhoni announces mandatory 50 over declaration in test matches overseas

Reflecting on the contrasting outcomes of the one day and test series in England, the Indian skipper, Mahendra Singh Dhoni, has announced that he will institute a policy of mandatory 50 over declarations in both innings of a test match when playing overseas.

He said he came up with this radical conclusion after realizing that Indian batsmen do much better when they can bat for a set period of time and then move on to other things. In addition, a 50 over inning produces a score near 300 more often than not, and he tapped the cricket data monopolist, CricInfo and got confirmation that the Indian team barely makes it past 200 in most innings they play abroad.

"If nothing else," he continued, "this is a great way to boost our batting averages. I bet if I had told Virat that I will declare after 50 overs, he would have produced more runs in a single inning than what he eventually mustered over the entire series"

"In addition, when we make about 600 runs in a test, the chances of losing the game inside 3 days is almost statistically impossible. So even if we lose, at least we can avoid the 3 day humiliations"

Asked whether he has discussed this idea with the BCCI, he asked "BCCI who?"